Monday, August 27, 2012

It Gets Easier

If by easier you mean you've cried so much, your tears are no longer visible? Then yes, it gets easier. If you mean your body aches so much you're numb, then yes it gets easier. When easier means you hold on to some one's embrace while your body shakes with emotion and you just hope that if you squeeze them tight enough she'll appear for one last talk then yes, by all means it gets easier.

The reality is, it's harder. The week after her death, I actually did okay. We were all still actively including Casee in conversations as things were sorted out. I didn't talk to Casee, but it was kind of like we were on a long vacation and didn't have a chance to text or chat.

Then another week or two went by, and we started to find "normal" night I sent a text to Matthew, Colton and Caleb asking if they wished we could send texts to Heaven....they're pretty strong those three and I'm thankful for close cousins. I know we all talked to her about life happenings and in July we all had big things going on... if we could have had one more text, one more chat at night things would have felt more complete, more finished after sharing with her.

And I think the farther away we get from her death, the more real it becomes. Her photo is tacked by our wall calendar. I see it everyday. She watches the boys play on the floor and listens to dinner conversations. I caught her face tonight, at dinner and it took sooo much strength to not fall to pieces.

Because the first week or two it's okay to have break downs, but crying uncontrollable in the parking lot of Meijer's - to people passing by might seem slightly odd. To call her phone just to hear her voice, may be a little out there, but thankfully I can do that in private (because if she answered the phone I'd probably not want to be in public at that moment - I need a laugh here :)!)..... Answering "doing awesome" with a smile when someone asks how's life, knowing full well it's a lie  And driving by her old home in Winn, with no toys scattered, no boys playing ball and no gold trailblazer outside leaves my heart empty - I want to bop in there, sit down on her couch and just be in her presence....just be with would make everything easier.

I believe in God. I understand we die, it's part of life. And if death doesn't at least make you look into what God has going on, then I'm not sure what will - because without Him I think this would be even harder. Yet, I'm still a very broken human - like everyone else and I still ask why. Why did you do this to us? Why did it have to be her? What are we suppose to do now? And how the hell do we find a new normal? What if I don't want to accept this new normal?  Did you not think of us God? What are we suppose to do?? What were you trying to teach us? I pray for all kinds of great things, good things, wonderful things and this.... this is what you decide? You take my aunt away? Because of some stupid disease that for some reason we can't figure out how to cure? WTH God...WTH....if Heaven could receive texts that's what I'd send....ironic, sarcastic....but a darn good question.

I've sat here for a half an hour...staring at the screen - re-reading the post... it's now midnight and I should be sleeping, but I haven't been able to sleep....thoughts keep running through my mind and as much as I try to think of something else, I find myself back to so many questions.....and now I have no idea how to settle my brain and wrap this post up.....because I guess at this time I have no answers, I have no fool proof plan to take the hurt away....and the reality is I probably never this post ends unfinished, just like so many things left unsaid, undone, untied after we lose someone we love so much.

One of my favorite photos...I miss her smile.